She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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