call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
