Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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