I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
