He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
