when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
