The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
