I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
