evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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