so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
