the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
