I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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