i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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