my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Randomize
