I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
