Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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