Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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