If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
