She's JV to your varsity
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
