I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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