They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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