I can text with my tongue
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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