I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
