All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
