If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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