Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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