the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
