1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
