My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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