I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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