It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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