My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
