just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
