Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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