Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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