you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
