theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
