had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
