i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
