mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
