my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
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