I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize
