just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
