I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
