do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize