yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Dignity is for republicans.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
