I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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