Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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