There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize