you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
