one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Randomize
