Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
