I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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