You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
