you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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