Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Randomize
