Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
